When Your Daddy Isn’t Your Daddy: Non-Paternity Events and Your Mental Health

Everyone has skeletons in the proverbial closet.  In the world of genealogy research, one of the most difficult one to be confronted is finding out that your ancestry or heritage is different than you thought it was or would be.  Many times this is because of error-filled family stories, but an even more common reason is a non-paternity event (NPE), also known as misattributed paternity or not parent expected.

What is an NPE?

A non-paternity event (NPE) is a term that means that the man someone thought was their ancestor is not.  Someone’s mother, grandmother, or whomever either didn’t know or didn’t want to disclose the true circumstances of her child’s conception.  She lived her life believing, deciding, or pretending that the person established or serving as her child’s father actually was the biological father.  Why? There are many reasons that an NPE can occur. It often happens as the result of adoption and the subsequent use of the surname of the adoptive family, but not always. Other reasons may include infidelity; use of a mother’s maiden name in cases of illegitimacy; concealment of a sexual assault; clerical mistakes in documenting births; or even the use of an alias. An NPE can be detected or suspected when dates and/or names don’t match up or when relatives spread rumors or reveal information about someone’s actual parentage.  Most significantly, a DNA test taken by the right person may offer a slam-dunk opportunity to determine if an NPE exists.

An NPE in My Family

I’ve seen several non-paternity events (NPEs) in my research – they are the mortar in several of my own family’s brick walls. The non-paternity event that has impacted me most involves one of my great-grandmothers.  I’ll tell her story using fictionalized names to respect my family’s desire for privacy.  Eighty year-old Ellen was on her deathbed when, out of the blue, a cousin informed me that the man I knew to be her father was not actually her father.  His grandfather, Ellen’s Uncle Richard, had shared with my cousin a conversation he had had with Ellen when she was a young adult. Although she adored her presumed father, Ellen apparently was becoming interested in developing a relationship with her biological father. Why else would Uncle Richard warn her to never forget her adoptive father’s influence in her life? Shocked, I thought about confronting Ellen about it, but that seemed too cruel. Instead, I opted to consult Ellen’s husband about the matter; he seemed bewildered that I had asked, but didn’t press me about how I had come by this tale. Seeming to relish the idea of unveiling this family secret further, he related that Ellen’s biological father was a minister who had grown up with her mother. He even gave me a clue – two initials and a surname – to start me on my investigation. I searched census records at the time but did not find any information that was of any use to me.  A whole eight years later, I took a DNA test and uploaded my results to GEDmatch. I matched someone very closely; the cousin who managed that DNA kit explained to me that she was the sister of the man Ellen’s husband had identified as her biological father.

At 17 years old, Ellen’s mother, Doris, appears to have been caught between two teenage love interests; she got pregnant by one but married the other.  Doris and her two beaus were all from the same small-town community in Louisiana, Doris and Edward from prominent families and members of the same Methodist church (different congregations).  John’s family was poor and was a member of a different Christian sect until he married Doris. Doris and her husband John raised their only child, Ellen, in a home and among family members overflowing with love, eventually migrating and settling in Texas. Doris and John established themselves as pillars in the church, loyal servants in their local congregation.  At the same time, young Edward married and began traveling as an itinerant minister wherever the Great Migration had taken black southerners. However, in the 1950’s, the two families both resided in Texas. In fact, Edward pastored a church in Doris’ and John’s neighborhood; less than a mile away, only a freeway separated his church and their home. For a time, Doris taught classes at the same church-affiliated college where Edward served as an administrator. Around the time her youngest child was entering elementary school, Ellen lived only a mile away from where Edward lived! It was obvious that Doris, John, and Edward and his family lived parallel lives. The daughter they shared knew their story, and the four of them guarded it until their deaths.

What Science Says about the Psychological Effects of Discovering an NPE

Hearing and then processing this information was complicated. At first, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, but I became intrigued by the mystery my genes were presenting me. However, it was a much more delicate matter for those who were closer to Doris, John, Edward, and Ellen. In fact, uncovering NPEs can result in psychological challenges for the people involved. In the first study of its kind, researchers surveyed a group of 731 members of a Facebook Group for people who had taken DNA tests from companies like Ancestry and 23andme and discovered misattributed paternity.¹ Participants answered questions about their NPE discoveries as well as their experience of depression, anxiety, and other symptoms of mental health problems. You can read the details yourself, but I’ll give you the highlights:

• Study participants had statistically significant higher depression and anxiety scores than those in the control group (i.e., “a representative sample of non-institutionalized US citizens”). The study group also had a higher proportion of severe depression and of suicidal ideation than did the control group.
• Several variables were predictive of negative mental health outcomes, specifically: deteriorating relationship with or perception of one’s mother after the discovery of NPE status; prior diagnosis of mental illness; and a coercive/exploitative relationship between biological parents (e.g., rape).
• Predictors of better mental health outcomes were older age; being in a romantic relationship; and exceeding two years since discovery of NPE status. Further, increased disposition to accepting and discussing NPE status openly, was correlated with lower depression and anxiety scores as well as reduced risk for panic disorder.

Dealing with the Feelings

These research findings indicate that having an emotional reaction to finding out about a non-paternity events (NPEs), is common and relatable. What do you do with those emotions once you are aware of them? You have the power to determine how you will respond to your discovery. Here are some suggestions about how to navigate your genealogical journey, post-NPE:

• Acknowledge the facts. When we avoid accepting the reality of our circumstances, we increase the likelihood of suffering and limit our learning and growth. The best way to manage tough emotions associated with an NPE is to accept the truth that the father you have known is not your biological father. Also, recognize that this truth does not change how you already have lived your life or the relationship that you have developed with your parents. What may change is the meaning you’ve made of your life experiences, and you should give yourself space and grace to explore that.

• Avoid taking things personally. I know this recommendation might seem impossible or even ridiculous, but it will help you to recognize that your parent(s) did what they thought was best, given what they knew at the time. Their decision had nothing to do with who you are as an individual; their secret involved an indiscretion, trauma, emotional challenge, or complicated situation that they chose to conceal because of their own worldview, family/social context, personal resources, feelings, goals, and understanding. If you’re having trouble empathizing with your relatives, it might help you to reflect on your own secrets and decisions and the circumstances pertaining to them.
• Give yourself permission to experience and document your response to learning about your NPE status. There is nothing wrong with having thoughts and emotions about such a big revelation about your parentage, which means that there is no need to stifle them. In fact, processing your thoughts and feelings will help you understand yourself and your family better. You can try writing them down in a journal or diary, recording yourself in a voice memo, or even creating or searching for a representative work of art (e.g., a. simple drawing, a play-doh sculpture, a song with the right lyrics). I believe this should be something you should do by yourself, at least initially, to avoid feeling restricted or influenced by the potential or actual reactions that other people might have to what you share.
• Decide whether and how you want to connect with your newly discovered relatives. Would you like to do some preliminary research on the family? Perhaps you’d like to reach out to them via phone, electronic messaging, or snail mail? What would face-to-face contact be like? Maybe you don’t want to interact with them at all. Whatever may be the case, it is your decision to make. In the case I described above, I definitely wanted to interact with my new family in any way possible. I joined (after receiving an invitation) the family’s reunion page on Facebook, and I contacted two of the elders by phone – Edward’s sister and his other daughter. I have been researching those family lines more diligently, as well. Your choices may be different than mine, and that is okay!
• Share your NPE status and your experience with those who love you or who would be interested in what you found. Once you have processed your initial thoughts and feelings about your NPE status, think about about what, how, and with whom you will share this information. You won’t know with any certainty how someone might react, but you can try anticipating what sharing would be like. Imagine what a worst-case scenario would entail, and plan accordingly. You might consider using prayer, music, and other relaxation techniques to reduce any stress or anxiety you might have. With my NPE discovery, I very gingerly shared with one of Ellen’s children what I had found. He was mildly defensive but didn’t appear to be shocked or hostile. When I enquired if he wanted to be kept abreast of my research and contacts with the family, he declined. Thankfully, I had prepared myself for a response like that, and I respected his decision.

Conclusion

As discussed in this post, the term non-paternity event (NPE) refers to a mismatch between a person’s known father and his/her actual, biological father. NPEs happen in every family, and you won’t have to look too hard to find one of your family lines. If and when you encounter yours, I hope you will be able to handle it with calm and confidence, remembering to acknowledge facts, avoid taking things personally, give yourself permission to experience your feelings, determine how you want to connect with new family, and talk about your discoveries with others.

References

Chen Avni, Dana Sinai, Uri Blasbalg, and Paz Soren, “Discovering your presumed father is not your biological father: Psychiatric ramifications of independently uncovered non-paternity events resulting from direct-to-consumer DNA testing,”  Psychiatric Research, 323 (May 2023).