Referencing an article I wrote describing the emotional impact of non-paternity events (NPEs), one reader commented that learning unsavory information during the process of genealogy research “can become a huge burden to carry alone or create family turmoil if revealed”. The decision of what to do – i.e., “share it, bury it, ignore it” – is a weighty one involves a number of factors.
On creating family turmoil…
Be sure to educate yourself and your family members before and throughout your genealogy research. When I talk to people who want to explore their racial or ethnic heritage, connect with relatives they’ve never known, or to learn more about who their ancestors are or what their lives were like, I like to discuss the benefits and challenges of conducting such research. People usually are excited to learn basic facts like ancestors’ names and vital information if they are starting from a zero baseline. Researchers and clients alike also welcome interesting information about their occupations, membership in civic organizations, and stories of how they engaged in some other heroic act or managed some laudable accomplishment. However, when the findings yield more ominous, confusing, or shocking information about our ancestors, reactions can be much more difficult to manage. The best way to deal with this is to first talk with your people or clients about the kinds of information that can be particularly problematic (e.g., NPE’s, infidelities, unexpected racial/ethnic make-up, slave ownership) and make a plan for how to address potentially harmful research findings.
Sometimes we miss or don’t have or seize opportunities to educate family members about possible negative outcomes of research. If you find yourself in that predicament, ask yourself, “What do I want to do with this finding? Who is my audience?” When you identify what your objective is regarding the use of the information you’ve discovered, you can determine next steps. If you want to share it only with family members, you should consider “worst case scenarios” and come up with strategies to mitigate negative impact. Ask yourself, “Could I/we handle this scenario? What strategies could I/we take to make things easier on everyone?” You might need to plan a conversation or series of conversations in which you explain your research process (i.e., how you got interested in this particular topic, how you found the information, and what you think it means to you and to them) and give them space to communicate their thoughts, preferences, and needs. If you want to share your findings with others, you must consider the ethics that are involved – both professional and personal. Regarding professional ethics, you can consult the Genealogy Standards published by the Board for Certification of Genealogists to understand what is expected of you as a genealogist or family historian. You will need to ensure that you have proper permission and consent to share protected information, or at least assent (in cases where permission is not necessary). It would be reasonable to consult with a professional genealogist or lawyer to help you understand any ethical or legal issues that are pertinent to your situation. As a concerned individual and family member, be sure to consider the impact that widespread dissemination will have on your relatives and whether the benefits of sharing outweigh any negative outcomes that may arise.
On “carrying it alone”…
If you fear backlash or anticipate succumbing to the tendency to take responsibility for someone else’s pain, you might resort to creating a family secret or guarding damaging information about a loved one or important person in a family’s lore. You may succeed in burying or ignoring your finding, but what is the cost? Eventually, your effort to protect everyone else could erode your own emotional and physical health. Don’t let that happen to you! If you start noticing that you are experiencing symptoms related to anxiety and depressed mood, you’ve got to take action now. Consider these self-care principles:
- Negative thoughts or beliefs often drive negative emotion. Identify any unhelpful or uninspiring thoughts, and find “exceptions to the rule” (i.e., the rule that those thoughts are true or good). Focus on affirmations that reflect the reality of your situation;
- Built up or unexpressed emotions manifest themselves in our bodies. Notice where in your body you feel tension or discomfort, and try to identify the feeling that is fueling it. Take some time to address the emotion with deep breathing techniques.
- There are many strategies that can help you properly manage your emotions, including prayer and meditation, journaling, bibliotherapy, grounding exercises, physical activity, spending time outside, and connecting with people who love you and care about your wellbeing.
- Some people find that seeking professional psychotherapeutic services can be helpful. I would recommend a licensed psychologist or licensed professional counselor for individual therapy and a licensed marriage and family therapist for family counseling. If you or someone you know is struggling with issues like I’ve described, check with your insurance provider for resources or reach out to virtual mental health platforms.
If your genealogy research leads you to a finding that you believe could cause problems, you don’t have to create family turmoil or carry a burden alone. After educating your family members or clients about the nature of genealogy research, be sure to evaluate your objective/audience, consider and uphold professional and personal ethical standards, evaluate worst-case scenarios, and practice self-care strategies.
The Genealogy Griot 